Shelby Gelato

Junk I Carry Around

2008-03-08T16:50:00.002-05:00

After months of silence, I return to present you pure minutia.
The Contents of My Purse/Briefcase:

Wallet
Yesterday's newspaper
Stocking cap
Empty shopping bag from The Electric Fetus
Two sets of photos from the 1990s
A small notebook with pen
Receipts from recent: Visit to the doctor, car repair, print framing
Week-old shopping list with reminder to pick up shoes from repair place
A single 39 cent stamp
Empty book of checks with a Ticket stub from a 2006 show at The Southern Theater used as cushioning to protect carbonless copies beneath
Collapsible umbrella
Very old 64mb flash drive containing my resume and job search stuff
A slightly less old 256mb drive full of photos and odds and ends
Nylon tote bag that folds up into a tiny pouch
Lipstick: Clinique Red Licquorice and Neutrogena Plum Kiss (something like that - the label is hard to read)
Tampons
Cosmetic bag containing: Neutrogena lipstick Ruby Bliss, Covergirl mascara, Almay Pureblends mineral makeup (#100 Fair), Frosty white eye-brightening eyeshadow, asthma inhaler, another tube of lipstick (Shade - Sherry, manufacturer unknown), dental floss, Attar Bazaar perfume oil in Egyptian Musk scent, Sudafed, small tin containing acetaminophen, MAC Viva Glam lipstick, Gas X dissolvable strips, Alba Terrating in Blaze , an emory board, a small comb, Ice Breakers Liquid Ice mints, a small mirror, and an astronaut pen.

For more purse content hilarity, see The Midwestgrrl.

Meme Sunday

2007-07-01T15:47:00.000-04:00

1. Where is your mobile phone? Purse.
2. Relationship? Unattainable.
3. Your hair? Bedhead.
4. Work? Stupid.
5. Your sister(s)? None.
6. Your favourite thing? Sleep.
7. Your dream last night? Cosby.
8. Your favourite drink? Pimm's.
9. Your dream car? Train.
10. The room you're in? Office.
11. Your shoes? Barefoot.
12. Your fears? Real.
13. What do you want to be in 10 years? Happy.
14. Who did you hang out with this weekend? Strangers.
15. What are you not good at? Budget.
16. Muffin? Cranberry.
17. Wish list item? Vacuum.
18. Where you grew up? Midwest.
19. The last thing you did? Clean.
20. What are you wearing? Knits.
21. What are you not wearing? Shoes.
22. Your pet? None.
23. Your computer? ibook.
24. Your life? Difficult.
25. Your mood? Flat.
26. Missing? Youth.
27. What are you thinking about? Cleaning.
28. Your car? Ready.
29. Your kitchen? Filthy.
30. Your summer? Unnoticed.
31. Your favourite colour? Turquoise.
32. Last time you laughed? Yesterday.
33. Last time you cried? Yesterday.
34. School? Done.
35. Love? Unrequited.

This Year It's Someone Else's Turn To Cry

2007-01-01T16:34:00.000-05:00

Yesterday morning I was out running errands in the very October-like 40-odd degree temperatures and rain. Then, while I was taking my New Year's Eve disco nap, winter snuck in - just to add a little adventure to everyone's plans for the night.

By bar close, the snow had ceased leaving some beautiful scenery in its wake as evidenced in these blurry nighttime photos:

Happy New Year everyone! May all your wishes come true in 2007. Or at the very least, as a good friend of my likes to say, This Year It's Someone Else's Turn to Cry.

Hope your January 1st, 2007 was as relaxing and filled with dvds and snacks as mine was.

2006-08-16T18:24:00.000-04:00

Seems like The Midwestgrrl and I are living the same life lately.

May I just add to her list - I wish I had a job that didn't make me cry on the bus ride home at least twice a week.

Things are not good.

April Showers Bring May Flowers

2006-04-27T22:29:00.000-04:00

Excellent grafitti from the alley a block over from home. Not only is the grafitti itself great, but the grafitti artist was very selective. He or she only hit the commercial properties on the block. Although I don't know that I'd mind having these stenciled on my home.

Mofo Trees

2006-04-26T21:22:00.000-04:00

You know trees? I kind of hate them. I hate them with their green, budding leaves spewing pollen everywhere. Oh sure, some of them are even have pretty flowers like this:

or this:

And some do smell delicious, a la:

and

But the fact that my car was covered in fine green powder this morning coupled with my inability to sleep for the last week, all because my respiratory system decided years ago to boycott Spring by rejecting the pollen. THAT is what makes me hate trees.

Stupid Springtime.

Because There is Still Snow on the Ground

2006-03-28T23:32:00.001-05:00

People - listen up. When the thermometer reads 38 degrees and you have to step through piles of snow just to get on the bus, it is too cold to be eschewing coats and wearing shorts - much less flip flops.

Smells Like...

2005-09-17T18:03:00.000-05:00

Two interesting things happened at the grocery store the other day.

First, I was ID'd for the 6-pack of Mike's Hard Lemonade I purchased. Whatever. The cashier was just doing her job, I'm happy to oblige by handing over my driver's license. But seriously folks, I'm 36 years old. And this was not a flirtatious situation where the cashier/server was performing a little act in hopes of a big tip or whatever.

Or was it?

As I was picking up my bags o' groceries at the end of the lane, the cashier called my name. Weird because, I mean, who remembers the name of the person whose check card they just processed. (Certainly not me back in my retail days) So I'm on my way out and she's calling my name and is suddenly all chatty about what perfume I'm wearing because ohmygod it totally reminds her of a perfume worn by someone she used to know and boy is it nice, blah blah blah perfumecakes and she's totally ignoring the next customer so she can detain me with her perfume talk.

I kind of wanted to get going, so I made up an answer for her. "It's the product in my hair - Aveda Brilliant Pomade" is what I told her. The truth is, I had no idea. I was not wearing perfume or scented lotion. I use unscented laundry detergent and I hadn't showered since the night before. My hair was on day two of a two day experiment attempting to enhance the curl by means of less frequent washing and no product. And I was wearing a shirt I had plucked from the laundry pile as I ran out the door to do errands.

Are you turned on yet?

Cashier gal was not satisfied with my response though. I left her with a "All right then, thanks, have a good day" and a shrug of geez-I-don't-know-what-to-tell-you. I think that ticked her off, she seemed a little hostile.

And then I felt bad for adding to her angst because, really, the woman is a cashier at a big stinky warehouse grocery store. She's got enough problems already.

Misty Watercolored Memories

2005-09-14T22:34:00.000-05:00

All day long, today’s date has been stuck in my head. September 14…September 14…September 14. And all day long I’ve been trying to figure out why it might be a significant date to me.

Imagine my horror (Dismay? Melancholy?) when I realized it was the anniversary of my first date with a significant ex-boyfriend. And that said date took place TEN years ago.

Unbelievable. It doesn’t seem possible. Ten years. Have I even been a grownup for ten years? (And the gods of time answer: Ten years and then some girlie!)

I had a dream about him recently. We woke up together in bed, and he looked happy and healthy to an extent that I never observed while we were dating or in all the years since. In the dream I was so in love and so happy to be with him.

Shortly thereafter, things took a turn and the part of my ex-boyfriend was played by Jason Priestly for the duration of the dream. So make of that what you will.

Truthfully, I’m a little surprised that I remember the anniversary of our first date. I’ve certainly done my best to forget the crappy, nagging details of our relationship. But they’re stubborn buggers, those memories. Because despite the turbulent times and rotten ending, the relationship is an important part of my past. It was the first time I’d been in love. Maybe the only time. It was the first time I allowed someone full access to me emotionally. It was a Big Deal.

It was also the biggest hurt and biggest betrayal I’ve ever experienced. So much so that ten years later, it’s still zipping around in my brain, just waiting for some stupid trigger, like the date September 14 to bring the memory to the surface. And ka-boom! Here I am wading in a puddle of nostalgia.

We still run into each other occasionally. We both still care about each other enough so that we’ve continued to keep each other informed regarding major life events, but I doubt anyone would term us friends. And part of me still loves him. Probably always will in a “’When Harry Met Sally’ once-it’s-out-there-it’s-always-out-there” kind of way.

Ten years. Am I really ten years older than I was that day we went to my neighborhood bar to see a national band that would soon become famous open for a local band that would soon break up? The night of our first date. The beginning of the end you might call it if you were feeling especially cynical. I still remember what I wore. What you wore. The jacket you borrowed from your roommate. And how after the date ended, I sat alone on my front steps, smoking a cigarette and thinking that I missed you already.

And I guess I still miss you after all this time. We've gone our separate ways and I’m happy in the here and now, but when I get to reminiscing, your specter looms large over my psyche.

Everything's different now. We're different now. But I know that, whether I like it or not, part of me will always love you Mr. Utah.

Desperate Schmesperate

2005-05-10T16:14:00.000-05:00

How can anyone care about boring old Desperate Housewives when tonight is the season finale of Veronica Mars!!

Seriously people, have any of you actually been surprised by any of the "revelations" on DH? Every time they announce one of their big secrets I get all confused - not because of the tight plot twists and turns, but because I figured out the secret so long ago that I assumed it had already been revealed.

But back to Veronica Mars. Who killed Lilly? I think it was Logan's dad. And Logan doesn't know. I also think that Lilly & Logan's dad were having an affair. And that Logan's missing mother will either reappear or the search for her will be season two's big mystery.

Because Duncan didn't kill Lilly. Even though he and his parents all think he did.

And Weevil totally knows more than he's telling. Oh my God - Internets, I can't wait for the show tonight!!

And that's the end of the hastily written, completely unedited post for today.

Belated April Fool's Day

2005-04-20T20:15:00.000-05:00

Oops! I did it again! (warning: audio).

I guarantee you'll fool at least one of your friends into thinking this is for real.

Link via the fabulous Stereogum

I Didn't Steal the Bitch's Dye.

2005-03-12T14:51:00.000-05:00

Awesome interview with the fantastic Jay McCarroll, winner of Project Runway.

Jay is definitely on the fantasy cocktail party guest list.

$2.44

2005-02-23T16:29:00.000-05:00

As some of you know, I'm a bit of a sucker for cosmetics; hair care products especially. After years of having loooong hair into which I really only ever put styling creme and de-frizzing products, I am back to my short hair/multiple product ways.

My new, short hairstyle definitely needed something to give it some oomph and prevent it from falling into the unfortunate, semi-feathered, nonstyle of my eighth grade school pictures. This sad image in mind, I reluctantly fell back on the standby of my high school years, styling mousse. Yes, the 80s really are back. And really, the mousse worked fine for holding waves and curls, especially if I mixed it with a little silicone de-frizzing stuff. Of course I had to hide the mousse can when guests came over, lest it inaccurately tag me with a case of I Heart the 80s nostalgia and a reluctance to move into the 21st century. At least in regard to styling products. (Don't get me wrong, I love VH1 too. More Hal Sparks and Michael Ian Black please.)

Then I read an article rating commercial shampoos and conditioners in a back issue of Real Simple. Dove conditioner won its category. And then there was the $1.00 off Dove products coupon in the Sunday paper. And to top it off, Dove products were on sale at Target. So for a mere $2.44 I picked up a bottle of Dove Define and Shine Control Gel. And, long story short; I am in love.

I had avoided gel simply because never, not even in my most girly-girl, bathroom-mirror-time-intensive years, have I been able to achieve anything from gel other than super-crunchy hair. No matter how much or how little gel I used, whether I air or blow dried, gel in my hair always looked stiff when not combed through. Combing through would render the desired hold completely undone and I'd be back to square one.

But oh - we've come a long way baby. This product, this magical elixir, not only holds the curls and waves, but actually allows my hair to be blow-dried straight. Amazing! And if I let my hair air dry with the gel in, all that's needed is a quick comb and, as if by magic, style is held - but no crunchiness! And, best of all, this product imparts my hair with a glossy, gorgeous shine that mousse never could. Despite the fish oil capsules I ingest daily, I've never seen this kind of shine in my hair without a lengthy session with the blow dryer and a bottle of silicone liquid hairshine product. All for $2.44 people. $2.44!!!! For a product available at most any grocery store. Amazing.

Balsamic-erry Aire

2005-02-19T22:09:00.000-05:00

I love vinegar. I add it to pretty much any dish in which it seems remotely capable of enhancing the overall flavor. I make no apologies for my grocery-store-bought balsamic. You may not be able to sip is as you would a liqueur, like the fancypants foodies like to brag of the pricey brines in their pantries, but it still adds a fine punch to my dinner, thankyouverymuch.

But I have become curious about the claims I've read online that state that a cheap balsamic vinegar, reduced by half (or more) would come as close to the expensive stuff as you can get without shelling out the big bucks. And if I read it online, it must be true, right? The Internets wouldn't lie to me.

So when, in cleaning out my pantry, I discovered an extra bottle of balsamic vinegar, I figured I'd give it a try. I quick online tutorial instructed me to bring the vinegar to a boil and cook for approximately 10 minutes, or until it had reduced by three quarters and had the consistency of thin chocolate sauce.

Directions were followed to the letter. I now have a quarter bottle of thick, syrupy balsamic that tastes, well, pretty darn good. It's definitely more complex than before - it's almost caramel-y. I now also have a highly vinegar-scented home. The vapors were so heavy as to, I swear, induce light-headedness. I was high on the balsamic.

Had I thought this through, I might have chosen a non-freezing cold day to undertake this activity. Just as I was realizing that windows needed to be opened to release the intoxicating veil of vinegar, it began to snow. Not a heavy wet snow that sticks to tree branches and makes everything pretty. No, today it is just barely warm enough for snow to fall, so the crispy little flakes swirl about on the street and blow every which way through the bitter wind. So the windows were only allowed open for a brief breath of fresh air. Not nearly enough to disperse the fumes de vinegar. Now the vinegar is cooled and bottled, windows closed and scented candles lit. And I am left with a freezing cold apartment that smells of sandalwood candles and just enough vinegar to make you think I am really getting a jump on coloring those easter eggs.

Freezing

2005-02-19T13:40:00.000-05:00

After a string of 50+ degree days, we're back in the depths of winter here in Gelatoville. Bright sunshine accompanied by sub-zero windchills are a daily reminder that winter has the capability to turn its charm on and off at will, all the while ready to smack us in our collective ass with a blast of frigidity.

Still though, the need to be cool prevails. Yesterday I was out running an errand in the neighborhood when a car blaring that insipid “Lean Back” song rolled by, all windows rolled down for us pedestrians to better experience the thump of the bass. The windchill was -3.

Happy Valentine's Day

2005-02-14T20:33:00.000-05:00

My Valentine's gift to you is my response to yet another of those maddening quizzes. Note that I will not be passing it along to any of you. You may thank me now.

What is the total amount of music files on your computer?
12.97 GB Not nearly enough.

What is the last CD you bought?
Don’t Try This at Home – Billy Bragg

What was the last song you listened to before reading this message?
More Than This – Roxy Music

Write down five songs you often listen to, or that mean a lot to you.
How about the top ten “Most Played” from my itunes? Will that balance out the lack of soul baring I’m willing to do this Valentine’s Day?

1. September Gurls – Big Star
2. We Used to be Friends – The Dandy Warhols
3. You’ve Really Got a Hold on Me – The Miracles
4. You’re My Best Friend – Queen
5. The House of Blue Lights – Ella Mae Morse
6. How it Should Be – Ben Kweller
7. Brandy – Looking Glass
8. Boys Keep Swinging – David Bowie
9. Love You Madly – Cake
10. Is She Really Going Out with Him – Joe Jackson

Yeah – I’m a little surprised by the list too.

Happy Valentine's Day Y'all. Go enjoy the fine lovey dovey programming from now until midnight on The Current.

Apparently I Have Seen the Goo Goo Dolls Live

2005-02-03T17:23:00.000-05:00

I am so embarrassed.

While I do not remember this momentous occassion, I have discovered, in the flotsam of my life, a comp ticket stub from the Goo Goo Dolls' 11/08/95 show at First Avenue.

The stub lists the opening acts TBA. I can only imagine (hope) that I attended only for the opening band(s).

And it was an all-ages show at that. Feel my shame.

Where's My Ginkgo Biloba?

2005-01-28T17:39:00.000-05:00

So about that dream where I was trying to drive the defective Towncar while attempting to make reservations at the East Village B&B whose name I couldn't remember? I finally remember - it's Second Home on Second Avenue.

Thank God. It's been bugging me ever since I had the stupid dream.

You Asked for It

2005-01-27T17:23:00.000-05:00

By popular request, I present that damn questionnaire:

1. Grab the nearest book to you, turn to page 18, line 7. Read what it says:
”The effect of education on junior agricultural staff’s reception of technical information.”

2. Stretch out your left hand as far as you can. What do you touch first?
The wall

3. What was the last thing you watched on tv?
Gilmore Girls dvd. Season Two, disc 5. Dean just told Lorelai that he knows that Rory likes Jess. Rrrroowwrrr, Jess.

4. Without looking, guess what time it is:
4:12pm

5. Look at the clock. What time is the actual time?
4:14pm

6. With the exception of the computer, what do you hear?
89.3 The Current – the best radio station ever! Also the tick of the Kit Cat Clock

7. When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
2:30pm today. Walking home from Dunn Brothers.

8. Before you did this survey, what were you looking at?
Hotmail account

9. What are you wearing?
Jeans, Burgandy Lands End shirt, Grey Lands End shirt, no shoes/barefoot. Boring.

10. Did you dream last night?
Yes, I dreamed that I had flown to NYC without any advance planning (i.e. no hotel reservations) and was driving around Manhattan in a giant Towncar that didn’t have a brake pedal and changed from manual to automatic transmission at will - all the while trying to remember the name of the B&B in the East Village that I wanted to call to see if I could get a room. I still can’t remember the name of the B&B.

11. When did you last laugh?
Hmm. While watching TV last night? During Will & Grace reruns maybe? It was the Macaulay Culkin episode.

12. What are on the walls in the room you are in?
So much stuff. Photos, a few art pieces, the aforementioned KitCat Clock, file holders, bulletin board, shelves…

13. See anything weird lately?
No.

14. What do you think of this quiz?
It’s making me weary.

15. What was the last film you saw?
In the theatre? Sideways. On TV? Body Heat.

16. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy first?
A diverse stock portfolio so I'd never have to work for The Man ever ever again.

17. Tell me something about you that I don't know:
See, this is the kind of thing that makes me weary.

18. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do?
Again, weary. Peace on earth, tolerance, etc.

19. Do you like to dance?
Only when intoxicated enough not to remember.

20. George W. Bush:
Don’t even get me started.

21. Imagine your first child is a girl. What do you name her?
Artichoke. Wheat Germ. Post-it. Whatever. I have no interest in having children. (Although “Whatever” as a name is an intriguing idea.)

22. Imagine your first child is a boy. What do you name him?
See #21.

Oscar Nominations

2005-01-27T14:11:00.000-05:00

Word to Catherine, I am totally mystified by the heaping of praise upon Sideways. Yes, I saw it & thought it was okay. However, I still wish I'd spent the $8.00 on Finding Neverland that day instead.

Yes yes, as Ebert & Roeper said, Sideways harkens back to a time when scriptwriting was an art, blah blah blah. When exactly was this golden time boys? Cause I'll tell you, as someone who watches a lot of TCM, the history of the movies is steadily populated with some real stinkers.

And on this subject, if Sideways is getting such attention b/c of its careful attention to story/character developement/blah de blah blah, what's the deal with Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind not receiving more nominations? Can you name a movie this year that was more original? That had a more carefully crafted script? That was equal parts entertainment and intellectual challenge? That made you think and feel and consider?

For that matter, where the Hell is Garden State?

Man I hate the Oscars. Even more, I hate that I know I'll watch them. Stupid TV.

89.3 The Current

2005-01-24T16:00:00.000-05:00

Or as I like to refer to it, The First Reason I've Had to Listen to Radio in Lo These Past Nearly Eight Years and not even the shadow of unemployment can darken this day in the Gelato household.

If I remember correctly, my beloved Rev105 was cruelly torn from the airwaves back in the spring of 1997. Since then I've listened to nary a song on the radio, save for the occasional spin on the oldies station while housecleaning (that came to an end when I realized that they regularly aired anti-choice commercials). So excepting This American Life and The Splendid Table, my radios have been silent for a goodly long time.

And now - now my membership to MPR is paying off in spades. Behold the glory that is 89.3, The Current .

Seriously. Mary Lucia, Mark Wheat, Thorn ?!!! I could barely contain my excitement at 9:00am this morning when the station came on the air and I heard the dulcet tones of Thorn. Thorn! How I've missed your voice. And oh my god. This station is really happening.

And the playlist? So incredibly good! So far this morning: Atmosphere, Owls, Olympic Hopefuls, Jayhawks, Radiohead, Bob Dylan, Pixies, PJ Harvey, Beatles, Death Cab for Cutie, Benny Goodman (yes! for real), Morphine, and - I just can't even think - my brain is so filled with joy.

And it's Public Radio. That means no commercials. So Get Your Contribution On or just listen (89.3 if you're in the Twin Cities) and tell everyone you know.

Lord knows I never thought I'd hear this level of radio goodness again in my lifetime. Take that Clear Channel!

Mmmm, Lasagna

2005-01-19T19:07:00.000-05:00

Every day for the last few months, I've walked by a poster for the movie Lightening in a Bottle (warning audio). And even though it's the same poster every day, about half the times that I glance at it, I think it says "Lasagna in a Bottle".

You Do Not Belong to the City

2005-01-06T13:56:00.000-05:00

The concrete, it is not under your feet.

Sometimes I am so amused by the things that shock my co-workers.

I mean, did you know that when you live across the alley from a hard-drinking bar, that people sometimes talk loudly in the alley at they’re leaving said bar at 2:00am? That they may occasionally vomit or pee in the alley?! Shocking stuff that.

Not that I’m a fan of witnessing the evacuation of any bodily fluids, but still. These people should not be living in the city. I hear the siren song of the suburbs acalling.

Manolo Loves the Shoes

2005-01-06T13:04:00.000-05:00

Have I mentioned The Manolo to you?

You are probably already aware of the super fantastic nature of The Manolo. If so, you should go vote for The Manolo as the best new blog over at the Bob Awards .

If not, you should acquaint yourself with The Manolo posthaste.

The Gelato household loves The Manolo.

Gelato Weekend

2004-12-05T22:57:00.000-05:00

Allow me to recap what we’ve accomplished here at Gelato headquarters since leaving the office on Friday afternoon:

Meeting with freelance client
Grocery Shopping
Breakfast with friends
Reading at nearby bookstore
Received phone call from parents
Made two batches of Chex Mix
Sorted through two enormous piles of paperwork
Shredded
Shredded some more
Returned phone call to Aunt
Worked on elaborate mix cds to give as Christmas gifts to nieces
Watched most recent Harry Potter movie on DVD
Reported missing newspaper delivery to local paper
Another trip to grocery store, spurred by missing newspaper
Unsuccessful trip to Pier One hoping to procure a cute pink Christmas ornament
Received phone call from Grandmother
Removed approximately 5lbs of frozen, left-over grilled vegetables from freezer and cooked them down into approximately 6 cups of delicious vegetable stock
Froze stock in ice cube trays
Listened to 10 episodes of the already cancelled Pop Vultures
Fought with ibook, airport base and printer to figure out why they decided not to play together nicely
Began constructing Christmas cards
Made experimental batch of Oreo Bark
Watched Arrested Development
Read local paper & Times
Cooked fabulous tofu dish for dinner
Cleaned off work table
Collected necessary materials to assemble earrings intended as Christmas gifts
Posted for you, my lovelies.

I Hate You So Very Much

2004-11-17T13:38:00.000-05:00

Have you ever hated a co-worker so much that you dreaded coming in to work? Have you ever had to work so closely with them that you wanted to puke? Even though you fully realized the pathetic nature of her sad little life? And did that make you feel even worse about letting the brown-nosing weasel get under your skin?

Excuse Me, May I Blow Your Mind?

2004-10-07T22:19:00.000-05:00

Lately I've taken to downloading my cd collection to itunes while I'm busy at some other computer-y task. I started at the beginning of the alphabet (yes the cds are alphabetized) and somewhere around The Replacements got bored and decided that it would be more interesting to work backward starting at the "Z"s. So now I'm inching my way from Zuzu's Petals back up to the aforementioned Replacements.

The point of my story? While returning some email tonight, I made it through the "W"s. When I opened the case to this Tom Waits cd I found a post-it stuck to the liner notes. It's certainly my handwriting, but to whom I wrote it, I have no idea. This is what the note says:

"Tom Waits' music is crazy. It may seriously blow your mind."

Can't argue with that.

Bite Me

2004-09-21T22:15:00.000-05:00

An Open Letter to the Guy Who Asked Me for Money at the Bus Stop Around 8:00pm Tonight:

First of all, running across the street toward a woman who is standing all by herself at the crosswalk, at night time, in the dark, is probably not the best opening to your request.

I am not your "sister". Do not address me as such. Doing so makes your Scandinavian Minnes-oh-tah ass appear to be a refugee from the movie Guys & Dolls. Sit down; you're rocking the boat, mister.

When I politely (I mean, come on - I apologized to you for Christ's sake!) tell you that I do not have money to give you, take that at face value. Quite frankly, it is none of your business whether or not I have money to give you. Your argument that I should "reward" your honesty (you told me upfront that you needed money to buy a bottle) does little for me.

I am not an unsympathetic person. I am not Republican. I understand tough times. I have given money/food/paid bus fare for folks in tight spots. I'm sure I will again in the future. Admittedly, I might not have given you money to buy booze, but the fact remains that I DID NOT HAVE ANY MONEY TO GIVE YOU.

And bottom line - you do not know me. You are a complete stranger. I feel no obligation to continue any conversation with you. It is late, it is dark, I am alone and I am just trying to get home. Back off.

All things considered, the horrible insults you chose to holler at me as I walked away were completely unwarranted. And ineffective. I mean really, you don't know me - how do you know if I'm a bitch or not? And so what if I were? What if that were my biggest point of pride? And the "Big Ass" comment? Yeah, you think I don't know I've got a big ass? Duh. What a moron.

I leave you with four thoughts Mr. You-Should-Buy-My-Booze Man:

1) I owe you nothing. You can ask, but don't be so shocked if you get turned down. You don't know anything about me or MY financial situation. Your angry response to my polite denial is without basis.
2) The name-calling thing did not endear you to me, nor could it have done much for your chances of receiving anything from the others strolling the block.
3) When a lone woman refuses your aggressive overtures at conversation - on a dark corner - did I mention that she's alone? And that you're trying to get her to give you her money? Back the fuck off.
4) Bite Me.

Some Current News

2004-09-20T23:13:00.000-05:00

1) There were two large spiders on the ceiling over my shower last night. I did not see them until I was already completely committed (i.e. shampoo in hand). Unfortunately, they were hanging out directly above the shower head. I am tolerant of the spiders, for they eat the other more onerous bugs. There are, however, a few ground rules to our relationship; me and the spideys. They are not allowed in the shower. Nor are they allowed on the bottom half of the wall, the kitchen, or anywhere near me while I am reclining on the furniture. Should any of these boundaries be breached, it's curtains for spidey. Alas, by the end of my shower, only one spider remained. Number two was last seen safely lounging on the ceiling near the bathroom window. Smart move my friend, smart move.

2) I ran into my ex-bf tonight. While I can finally say that I'm no longer attracted to him even an eensy bit, I was still glad I happened to be wearing some super-sexy lipstick and a heaping serving of fabulous oh-so-long-lashifying mascara.

3) How happy are you that Arrested Development won all those Emmys last night? I am in deep celebrity love with Will Arnet and Jason Bateman. And I have a total girl crush on Portia de Rossi, who bore a striking resemblence to Drea de Matteo last night.

Exhausted

2004-09-15T17:54:00.000-05:00

I am so freaking tired. My hayfever is out of control – OUT OF CONTROL I TELL YOU! I never sleep through the night any more. I wake up at 5:00, or 4:00, or maybe just for kicks, 3:30am with so much pain and suffering in my sinuses that I fear I shall never breathe properly again. I pray for an early frost.

Things That Bug Me

2004-09-05T22:49:00.000-05:00

It's a long quiet weekend here in the Gelato home. No big plans, just lots of time to nap and be annoyed by the idiocy of some people. I present for you a couple of the Things That Bug Me this Labor Day Weekend:

1) Teeny tiny ruffled mini skirts. The skirts themselves I like. They're cute and it doesn't even bother me that they're based on the sweatshirt knit drop-waisted ruffle mini skirts of my early 1980s middle school years. That being said, this current incarnation of the ruffled mini skirt is, simply put, not meant to be worn by everyone. Let's face it, most of us, me included, are simply not built to wear these skirts. I realize this, and you probably understand as well, but sadly, many do not.

Directive to the girls looking lost outside of Pier One on Friday afternoon. True, you are young and cute, but you still have cellulite. I'm not one to suggest that only the perfect among us are allowed to bare skin, but come on kids. Your skirt is so freaking short that it would reveal your crotch should you raise an arm to wave down a cab. This look is so not flattering. Especially when it's baring the cottage cheese dimples of your upper thighs and lower ass cheeks. Paris Hilton comes as close as anyone to pulling off this look, and even she can't make it work 100%.

As far as your statuesque friend, yes the tiny skirt looked good on her (and yes, it was a good 6 inches longer than yours), but that silly John Deere trucker hat worn at the jaunty angle really added an air of hilarity to the ensemble.

2) Smoochy Love Couple at the Movies:

We're sure you thought Napoleon Dynamite fit the hipster bill for entertainment this rainy Sunday afternoon. Personally we felt like the movie was trying too hard. But back to you. Clearly courtship has just begun for the two of you. We saw the evidence in the ticket line and at the concession stand: The starry-eyed smiles at each other, the rapturous beaming of thoughts between the two of you via Love's Own Personal ESP. But the making out in the crowded movie theatre has got to stop. Now. Seriously. We're in favor of love & all that, but please, show a little decorum.

Did you not see that there were people seated directly in front, behind, and next to you? No extra buffer seat in between or anything. The first time you looked at each other knowingly after a line of dialogue, we thought to ourselves, "Okay, inside joke". But then, you continued this behavior after roughly every third line. This was distracting enough to your fellow movie-goers, but when, 15 minutes or so into the movie, you chose to add a kiss, nuzzle, or neck lick to each exchange, well, we truely wanted to slap you. When you buried your heads so far down in each other's shoulders that you could not have possibly seen the screen, we silently wished for you to hold the posture for at least the duration of the scene. But no! You had to lift your head up so we could be treated to your partner's raptourous Running of Fingers All Over Your Face so as to cover up the bottom half of our view.

We hate you. You are clearly old enough to have your own digs and not need to sneak away to the movies for a little makeout time. Give us all a break. Get it on at home, or at the very least in the restroom if you need a little public nookie to spice things up.

And yes, we are the ones who directed you to "Get a Room!" while you groped your way through the end credits.

3) No Arrested Development on TV tonight. Garrr!

08/31/97

2004-09-01T23:17:00.000-05:00

I just read a little blurb in the paper remembering that it’s the 7th anniversary of Princess Diana’s death. Which triggered me to remember that it was also the night my ex, Utah, & I reconciled. (Only to split for good six months later)

I mention this because today I ran into Utah after not seeing him for like a year and a half. Which is all the more coincidental because he’s been popping up in my dreams lately.

I think I would like my dreams to start focusing on winning the lottery instead.

Tacky, not Tactless

2004-09-01T16:22:00.000-05:00

The following story is one I’ve heard an acquaintance tell numerous times. Each telling leaves her dissolved into red-faced, wheezing, laughing tears. It is a funny story, yet she is completely unaware of the lingual gaffe that adds an extra layer of hilarity to the tale.

As the story goes, this acquaintance receives a call from her younger brother. Her brother has just finished talking to their mother who is very excited about her recent purchase from QVC. Through the television-based retailer, she has secured a set of Fox Pass pearl earrings and necklace. The brother doesn’t ask, but wonders throughout the conversation just exactly what Fox Pass pearl could be. After hanging up, he realizes that his mother has actually purchased “faux pas” pearls. He calls his sister to share the story and the two of them have a rollicking good laugh at their mother’s expense.

The extra laugh is fairly obvious: They’re talking about faux pearls. (Fox pearls, if you must.)

Because while the pearls may be tacky, they’re not tactless.

Go Fug Yourself

2004-08-30T23:11:00.000-05:00

Have you bookmarked Fugging It Up yet?

Making fun of celebrities is fun.

If I Ate a Peanut, I Could Die

2004-08-27T00:41:00.000-05:00

Bill the Stud, originally uploaded by Shelby Gelato.

Holy Smokes!

Track 21? Nick singing "Lady L".

Totally awesome.

Thumbs Up

2004-08-24T00:10:00.001-05:00

Do yourself a favor and proceed immediately to your nearest theatre and buy yourself a ticket to see Garden State

And after you've seen it, I dare you to look me in the eye and tell me you're not in love with Natalie Portman.

Fashion Police

2004-06-22T22:59:00.000-05:00

To the Woman in the Bulky Sweater:

You do know it's the end of June, don't you? I realize that, as of late, the temperature has been a little cooler than normal around here, but did you really need to wear that thick turtleneck fisherman's sweater today?

And if, due to today's high temperature of 75°, you were worried about hypothermia, don't you think it might have been a better idea to forego the hot pants in favor of say, long pants? Seriously.

xoxo,
Shelby Gelato

Awesome

2004-06-07T20:34:00.000-05:00

The Most Awesome Thing I Saw Today (Concept completely ripped off from Kim over at Television without Pity.):

Girl at crosswalk wearing a T-shirt that said "What Boyfriend?" Presumably a lesbian statement, but also applicable in an overall feminist way. Totally Awesome.

Also awesome - the headline to the JLo and Marc Anthony wedding story over at Defamer

Please, God, Don’t Let The Gays Wed, They’ll Make A Mockery Of The Institution

Because everyone knows that such fine examples of heterosexuality as these two nitwits are certainly doing more to honor the sanctity of marriage than a gay couple in a decades-long committed relationship ever could. Right?

Planning two weddings to two different grooms in the space of six months, one of them while the prospective groom was still married to another woman? Respectful! Honorable! Dare I say, Romantic!

Two men or two women planning and living their lives together, raising families, contributing to society, practicing monogamy? Not allowed to file paperwork allowing them the legal rights their partnership deserves.

I give the JLo/Marc Anthony approximately eight months, until Valentine's Day 2005. My good friends JB & GG? Given the 15 years of respectful, loving relationship these two gay men already have behind them; I predict a full lifetime of happiness together. You tell me who is deserving of the legal and spiritual bonds of marriage and why.

Memorial Day Weekend Redux

2004-06-02T21:29:00.000-05:00

What a lost weekend I had. And not in a good way. Mainly it rained all the time which pretty much led to my napping the weekend away. Utterly ridiculous waste of three days off. God I'm glad it's over.

Besides napping and messing up my apartment in an apparent attempt to turn it into a shoe-in for Clean Sweep, I fit in a little birthday bowling, a matinee of 13 Going on 30 (wait for the DVD or just skip it altogether), Memorial Day breakfast out and TV TV TV. More TV please. Not the Netfix titles languishing on top of my DVD player. Ohhh no. No Whale Rider, Eddie Izzard or Breaking Away for me. But 36 hours of Cheers reruns on TV Land? Fabulous!

Bowling to celebrate G's birthday was fun. The lanes were only half full and the quartet of 13 year old kids bowling next to us was adorable. No matter how much fun we had with our lack of curfews and pitchers of beer, those kids had way more fun bowling past midnight, singing along with the rap soundtrack of the night and showing off dance moves for each other - even with their parents in tow!

In my effort to avoid laundry, dishes and anything productive, I also spent a lot of time online. Favorite new find: This. While the writer is walking a thin line between teenage crush and stalkerdom, it's entertaining in an embarrassing-looking-at-your-high-school-yearbook kind of way.

Theoretical question: If you could go back to high school knowing what you know now - would you do it?

Answer: Only if Mark Ruffalo were there waiting for me.

Let us never speak of this again

2004-05-28T00:35:00.000-05:00

I do not wish to waste your time and mine complaining about:

1) The status and activity of my uterus.
2) How much I hate my job.

The reasons for this are:

1) Some you are female; you have your own reproductive issues. If you are one of those irritating women who have never had cramps and don't understand why everyone makes such a big deal over PMS, well then we simply will never be friends. Those of you who are male likely don't care and/or are freaked out by the reality that is the female menstrual cycle and would prefer to never, ever have to hear about it.
2) If you hate your job, I know you understand without my saying a word. If you love your job, I fear you will lecture me about it and make me feel even worse about my dumb-ass employment situation. I both envy and despise you - you who actually enjoy your jobs.

This being said:

1) I am outrageously hormonal. Any injustice (real or imagined) perpetrated upon my person will result in caustic verbal attack or an outburst of angry tears. I am way too sensitive right now to watch any TV programs about helpless animals in danger. No Animal Precinct for me.
2) I cannot begin to explain the depths of idiocy that have swept the company that employs me. You know that Anonymous Question/Suggestion box that was set up to allow my scaredy cat co-workers to submit questions and suggestions without fear of reprisal? Those submissions are now required to have a legible employee signature. Utterly ridiculous.

The hormone levels will work themselves out. The job is a tougher problem. So until a suitable substitute can be found, it seems the best thing to do is divorce my emotional self from the job. There's a certain beauty in not caring about the politics of your workplace. It's a simple reversion to the old temp employee mindset. Only even more carefree since I know the paycheck is going to appear in my checking account every other week.

So no more complaining. Take some Advil - no more cramps! Go out with friends - when you're not on the clock, pretend that work doesn't even exist!

And let us never speak of this again.

In Dreams

2004-05-26T01:13:00.000-05:00

Well hello there. Fancy meeting you here.

I’d like to kick things off by telling you about a dream I recently had about an ex-boyfriend. Fascinating, I know.

This is the latest in a months-long string of dreams I’ve had about said ex-bf. Let’s call him Utah. May I mention that we broke up YEARS ago. And that until about 5 months ago, I had exactly zero dreams about him. That last spring he had infact moved with his girlfriend to a different city. So I haven’t laid eyes on him in many a moon. Other than the occasional brief email exchange, we have had little contact in the past five years, and almost no contact in the last year or so.

At the beginning of 2004, I started having dreams about him. Not real down-n-dirty dreams, but they were awfully romantic. Even in the absence of any serious dreamland action, these dreams left me swooning.

Co-incidentally, he moved back to town a few months ago, sans girlfriend. And despite the fact that there has been zero contact between us since his return, the dreams persist. On to last night’s dream.

It was my birthday, or some such occasion on which I was receiving gifts. All the guests were gone except Utah. I was sitting on a small crème-colored loveseat, a la Ikea, infront of a fireplace. Utah walked over to me smiling. He unzipped his jacket and pulled out a giftwrapped package that he handed to me. There was much exclamation on my part. I was particularly surprised by the gift b/c despite dating for 2 1/2 years, he had never once recognized my birthday (true story – he was a real peach that boy was).

I unwrapped the package to find a copy of the New Yorker. The date on the cover was February 23, 1927. Utah asked me to open the magazine to a specific page. On that page was a crazy love poem of which I remember nothing except for the syrupy love poem-y-ness of it all. Then Utah looked at me, reached into his jacket, and pulled out another copy of the New Yorker from February 23, 1927, opened it to the poem, showed it to me and just stood there with a big sappy smile on his face.

Ah yes, a story interesting to no one but me. Welcome to the world of Shelby Gelato.